S@crifices @re me@nt to be m.@.d.e

Things has been a roller coaster for me for the past few days. Deadlines were looming up - and my newly acquired skill of Flash (i had learnt it in 3 hours flat) had expanded the boundaries of my job description. work has taken a toll on me. I lost quite a lot of weight, been getting spells of fever .. and have been having some rough moments with my love. I really do need to spend more time with him. I hate to see him upset. It hurts like a piece of bone stuck in your heart.

I'm trying to lessen the amount of work i squeeze into a working day. 9-5pm.. that's all i wanna do. Sky had got a better offer.. of RM2700 at Aquaria.. The company which my ex-operations manager had run off to from Axxezz. She was offered RM 12k per month. And I had called Sky to join me in my team, but her offer to him had made him change his mind afer 2 weeks working with me.

He loves his job ; you could feel his enthusiasm when he was choosing clothes for the magazine cover shoot, and the way he was so excited about the roadshows. But is it just the love of a job that makes someone retire from a particular company after 30 years down the road?

We sat down and had a long talk. Sky and I had shared this 'big sister' 'small brother' relationship since our last jobs at Axxezz. When he first started to work with me, he was timid, and was shy to open up to people about his ideas and views. Later on, he had managed to become a responsible young individual with brilliant ideas with a bright future - as i had felt that i too had become. I stick to a job which i love doing and I thought it was the main motto of my life. However, he brought up a single statement which had made me ponder for these couple of days.

Yes. People do value the amount of experience that would incur in a job - but do people value you? How much are you valued at?

How about the value of oneself?

That got me thinking. How much am I valued at?

Well, I daresay i'm definately not valued at the current salary that i am getting. Definately not lesser than Sky is valued at.

Should I continue to look for a better paying job? Or should i stick to the job that I love doing? having the satisfaction of financial gain instead of accomplishment from a job well done?

I am not a person who would stick to an easy well paying job. I love the thrill of deadlines and the ideas that come freely once you are under pressure. I love seeing my work materialise on posters, campaigns and being put to good use for all to see.

But.. Is it all just for the dollars and cents?

Is it materialism?

I know I am not a materialistic person - but i do love to be pampered - to be showered with pretty and nice things.. Like how my wubb wubb does. He showers me with love and affection - undying worship and loyalty. He loves me even when I snap at him, he loves me even when I am holding a cigarette stick between my fingers as I speak to him on the phone. He loves me even when i told him my bum lost an inch.

He loves me in the morning... till the evening. He loves me even when I call him at 3am his time and till i kiss him good night at 6 am. He loves me even when i am working till 2am in the morning and receives my call at 4am..

He loves me so much that he would plan where we would stay if I were to fly to Sydney just to be with him - not even a single confirmation of a travel itinerary - and he loves me even though when I told him that my financial situation can't accomodate that little getaway.

He loves me so much.. that he would sneak to the ladies department to get lingerie for me - cause i told him that i liked sexy stuff.

.. .. *sighs*.... i miss him so much.. .. And he just mentioned that it seems such a long time ago since we first kissed.

I love you, my love.. My darling.... my one and only most precious in the world. My other half where my world is just simply perfect.. no flaws.. no sorrow... no worries.. William.. may i be yours forever?

My kind@ g.u.y

He is the guy that will come home from work and ask how my day was

He is the guy that will help with the dishes after eating dinner

He is the guy that will stay up late and watch movies with me

He is the guy that will get up with the kids so I can sleep in

He is the guy that will hold me to feel my heart beat with mine

He is the guy that will tell bad jokes just to hear me laugh

He is the guy that will always be by my side no matter what

He is the guy that will do the little things that matter to me

He is the guy that will push me to my limits

He is the guy that will hold my hair out of my face when i are sick

He is the guy that will kill the spiders before they crawl on me

He is the guy that will call me from work just to hear my voice

He is the guy that will be there every night when i go to bed and there every morning when i wake up

He is the guy that will kiss me in the morning before leaving to work

He is the guy that will show me how much he loves me

He is the guy that wants to be loved as much as I love him

my l.o.v.e.. come home.. soon

*my sweetest darling *
~an original p@ssion-@rt

*smiles*.. there he is.. my darling - trying to look cheeky. I don't know why but i can't help smiling when i see his pictures. He had just got a hair cut and seriously.. i don't see much change.. .. Hmm.. well.. maybe it's just a little shorter. The last time he had a hair cut was when he was back home here in June and we had gone to A Cut Above at Sunway Pyramid. And it seemed like it was just yesterday when we had gotten a good scolding when we arrived at his home from his mum for turning up 15 minutes before dinner. I thought it was a little ridiculous that she was pretty agitated as we did arrive early for dinner and not later.

I do miss him very very very much.. I've gotten so fond.. so attached to his giggles and laughs over the phone - he never fails to bring a smile to my lips even after I've had a rough day at work.. and this month seems to be the 'farm' of rough days.

He would sms me every morning, or lunch time or evening.. or just anytime.. everyday. I would smile to myself as I travel on the KTM or LRT as I read his messages over and over again.. wishing that he would come back soon. Wai Leng was complaining that her current bf did not sms her for the past week when he was on his usual business trips. Frankly, I have to say that a rich businessman would not be as committed to a relationship as a normal guy would. And her current bf is really god damned rich. And well, she did mention that she wanted to break it up tonight.. as she really wants to get into a serious relationship.. kinda like.. marriage kinda material kinda guy.

And then I'd think to myself... I am so grateful .. so blessed.... and I do love all the messages, chats over MSN and those phone calls that William and I share with each other... even though we are so far apart.. His silliness, his words of love and encouragement.. his ever repeating line of 'i love you's.... seems to be the only strenght of support for me.. for the past few months.

He was there to make things easier... when I had lost my samsung phone (yesssss... some smart arse had pick pocketed my retarded samsung at the train station at KLCC... HAH.. I wished I had seen the look of his face when he found out that the screen is not readable, crappy battery life - maximum 3 hours of talktime folks.. and 12 hours standy time.. insane!!! - and the internal antenna is fucked up too.. i don't think it would reach full bar of coverage even if he stood right on top of the maxis satelite dish.. or.. whatever.)..

Oddly, I wasn't hurt at all when I found out that my phone was missing. The only thing that I had missed was those SMS's that I had kept from William... all 274 of them.

And maybe I wasn't as distraught about the lost because... there were shit load of problems this month happening to me.

First was the decision to buy the Wira.. whether or not I could pay the downpayment and monthly installments. Second.. was the car itself.. and that accident on Merdeka eve. (oh yeah.. the mechanic had to ask permission from JPJ to change the middle bar and the bottom bar thingy of the right hand side cause it was totally wrecked.. and THEN...... they just found out that the left hand side is fucked up too... cause when the fella hit me, .. he pushed my car against the kerb after banging into me.. and my car sorta like.. bounced back.. yeah.. so it's KTM and LRT for me till maybe next week Wednesday)...

Yes.. that's double whammy for the car itself.

Then.. my mum's restaurant had closed down.. in the midst of preparing for an ambassadors' and company dinner at the restaurant. So ... Fine. The ambassadors' had their dinner at Midvalley and the company went to Neway, TimesSquare to sing a few rounds of Jason's choices of oldies (and Mr Lee's rendition of silent singing - he was just mouthing the words to 'I Swear'... damn... that was a golden moment... to watch him with the mic in his hand.. and trying not to giggle as you imagine him announcing into the mic "Make sure you all throw your rubbish away ok. Jason later scold me. and Oh.. don't forget to sign out") and we had the buffet at the same place. it was pretty good all of it... and I would have enjoyed it if I hadn't all the other problems to paint my days black.

And then.. comes the decision of whether or not to invest in some sales thingy. It claims that you could earn USD 250 in a week if you recruited 3 other members under you. Heh. I don't even have the start up cash of USD 500 to start it off with.

And then comes the looking for a job for mummy part. well... i had helped her apply for managers at delifrance.. Baker's Cottage.. and some club at The Summit hotel.. and even.. guess what... Carnegies... I can't imagine my mum dancing on the bar top whilst serving whisky and wine.... (and ma!... get me a champagne would ya???)

And my aunts... and dad's opinion on the earning power of my mum. For goodness sake, a lady of 57 years old can't work as a baby sitter for a 7 months old kid!... and what..??... my mum ain't going to sell lottery tickets by the roadside to make ends meet.. hell no!... Sick asses. and mum's got sore kness and a back ache that never seems to reside. and I still gotta find that medicine to fix her joints.

At least she has the puppies... those adorable little fluffy thingys... the newborns are one female and one male.. the poor male puppy has a deformed pair of back paws... and he's the most handsomest of all the puppies Rusty gave birth to. and the bouncy girl pup... she's soooooooo itchy backside!... cannot keep still even for a minute!..

*The blur fluff balls.. .. Shasha on the left... hiding from the camera.. either that or just too tired of the little blurer devil on the right hand side... er.. i dunno what to name the new addition to the Wuff Wuff family.. ler.*
~an original p@ssion-@rt

And then.. work. work has been piling up since the day i had stepped into the office. I have so many loose ends to tie up for each project.. and 2 designers to monitor (which i think i don't need to.. because i feel that they seem to pretty well ... .. manage their own assignments without informing me and making me look like a fool when the boss asks me what 'my' team has been up for the entire week).. Look..don't you understand, people... i don't want to be a meanie and breathe down everyone's neck on what are they up to... all they do is just hate me more. and I think I have had enough of cold shoulders - and it's not bloody hell my fault that i 'seem' to be the one in charge of the creative work because... that's what the boss thinks and expect me to do!... I've had enough of bullshit going on behind my back when I was at Axxezz and I don't want to end up in the same situation.. where I have to tidy up everyone's mistakes and then get the blame for being a slave driver. Fuck man.. i don't think i deserve all this.. definately not when i am working my ass off 99 percent of my time spent in the office. (1 percent goes to my 10 minute ciggies breaks during lunch hour - which i work through cause i usually don't feel hungry and also .. no one to have lunch with i guess... cept for wai leng.. or my ciggie box.. or some unfinished creative work to touch up on.. again)..

*sighs*.. all i wanna do is work so that i don't have the time and energy to think about the other shit that's going on in my life. Maybe that's one reason why i enjoy my work.. cause it keeps me sane in one way or the other. and yea... i do have great colleagues... it's just the work expectations.. i guess.

and.. my social life... i went out with sharm yesterday to KLCC to celebrate Thasha's birthday.. and all i did was... sit there.. and try to laugh along with their jokes... don't get me wrong though.. they are definately fun people.. (thasha, ashwini, and the guy.. which i have forgotten his name again).. .. it's just that... i've lost touch with sharm.. with her new job at nicky's office (data comm) handling customer services.. providing support for Norton antivirus.. and all that... I just... don't know what to speak to her about.. cause... I don't want to burden her with my problems and worries... cause.. well.. heck.. she can't do anything about it... and she has her own stuff to worry about.. and also... i'm just so tired... so so so... exhausted...

.. .. ... .. all i want to do.. is to curl up with william.. and for him to sooth me with his touches and hugs.. and his little words of encouragement.. and i will close my eyes.. and all my worries will just .. ... 'poof' away like how my poster designs would when the computer crashes on me yet again.

... *breathes deeply*.. ... .. and then my dad called.. and asked me to pray hard cause my luck seems to be running to an end. and yes.. it's been a really.. tough period for me.. i feel like breaking down even at the slightest things.. and then i would have to fight those tears.. and just.. keep my pain and disappointment in my heart. .. .. but just one sms from the only one person in my entire world that i love so deeply.. and everything... seem to be rainbows and butterflies and stolen kisses in cinemas again..

and then i would wonder... .. how long.. can I keep it up?

maybe i'll ask The Lord on Sunday... how long more do i have before i burn out... for good?

Gr@nd f.i.n.@.l.e

finally. at last. just came back from an m&m's (the FINAL meeting!) post mortem meeting. and they LOVED the flash that Steve (the new designer guy) and I (.. well.. i gotta give credit to myself too yarrr.. had to learn Macromedia Flash in under 3 hours yarrrrr.... )... the poor fella stayed more than 30 hours straight in the office to complete the entire video + flash summary.

Yessssssss and Chiek Ming, the marketing manager of M&M's gave me a hug and she sounded like she was talking to a poor baby (me). and and and.... i stole more chocolates.... to give Steve ler... (to bribe him for the other pending projects that we have.. ngeh heh hehh). i like chiek ming.. maybe i can get a job there... hmm..

Yes.. but anyway.. i feel.. much.. lighter now.. since the burden of the m&m's thingy is gone. well... i was a little depressed yesterday when i went to carnegies with Elly. I guess i missed eve, she's left the company now.. after 24 hours of resignation notice. and the songs that they were playing at carnegies.. damn.. it all reminded me of the friends that i have not seen in a while now.. since work has consumed my life nearly entirely. songs like like.. don't call me baby - madison avenue, it's my life (this one gets eve bum grooving), a few couple more which were elly's favourites - the times when we were clubbing EVERY weekend of the week for 5 months in a row.. last year, i think.... and then another particular song.. i think it was beyonce - is sky's fave cause he thinks she's hot with... nice boobs.. and oh yeah... no more ladies night or champagne or sex on the beach liao. now it's only special coupons for the ladies to have any drink from the menu. gah. ah well.

and that benny benassi - satisfaction song .... i hate that song!.. it's so... eeky.. and and the MTV video is.. so pervertic!.. ladies with huge... baloons.. playing around with a drill and saw.. and... everything jiggling.. heh. the funny things that guys get turned on with.

and yeah. another news in my life is that my mum's restaurant closed down because the damn owners are insensitive bastards.. but yar.. she's looking and hoping for another job... *sighs*.. and the car is not back from the workshop yet... been travelling up down and around with the LRT train thingy... seriously.. the transportation here sucks.. imagine being squashed onto the door frame with your cheek pressed onto the glass.. yar.. that packed. and then... whenever you think you have found a good corner to get a hold on to, they ask u to change trains cause there's damages on the current train that you're on. sheeshh..

and to all my friends that were so concerned about me.. sending me those sms messages and Jess calling me all the way from australia.. and sharm.. spending the lonely depressing evenings with me and my sad soppy stories and whatever nonsense... my chui chui cuzzy.. . i love u guys.. *hugs*... ..

and my phone (samsung) is totally retarded. the screen has gone blur... with.. blackish... lines.. and... fuzzy words. my loverboy's picture looks like a screwed up abstract impression of a skeleton with.. .. red... fungus growing on his shoulders... .. Samsung sucks sucks suxxx max. never ever get that phone.

.. ... .. and.. and.. and.. and... ... .. ...

.. .. ... .. i have no idea why but my fingers are hyper ventilating.. like... they have not typed long messages in a while already.. cause office cannot use MSN yarrr... and i think my fingers are so happy to be typing again..

.. ... but.. i have nothing else that i want to say.. other than the fact that this is the first time i have seen the 6 pm sky in a very long while.. .. ... ..

... .. and oh.. .... I love you, my love... Thank you for picking up the phone at 3 am in the morning so that i can listen to your voice after a crappy day at the office... thank you for making my laugh.. and giggle.. although you are a billion miles away... thank you for sharing your life with me.. and you had better make sure you finish those 3 pages of assignment by tonight. muahs muahs...