*sighs*

Things are tough at work.. and things aren't much better at home. I seem to be doing work everyday but nothing seems to get done - they just keep piling up higher and higher. I seem to be working my arse off (incidentally, i love my work, it's the only other thing that i love other than william) but my mum thinks i have been contributing nothing to the family - and then i think to myself .. family?.. Family is a place of serenity - somewhere you can hide from the outside world - you'd enjoy being with family. But...

I get cornered. And everytime when i implement a solution, another problem would dampen the spirit. It's like a vicious inifite kinda thing - problem, solution, problem, problem, solution, solution, problem... repeat cycle for XXXXX amount of times you feel like stabbing yourself repeatedly with a blunt knife.

I don't want to smile while deep inside all i want to do is to scream at your consistent naggings about the past and what should have been done to avoid the past. I don't want to weep silently in my car and wake up with swollen eyes. I don't want to raise the volume of the radio to muffle my screams. I don't want to talk about the latest movie when someone asks me about the wellbeing of my family - because i don't think my family is being well at all.

Yes, i am thankful that they are around but are they thankful that i am around? Everything i do seems to be not enough. i work late because i want to succeed in my career and be happy about something, goddammit. And i love being with my boyfriend - he is my only source of 'life' - because i get extremely stressed when i am with someone who keeps telling me that i am a useless person - would you like it if i keep telling you that you 'suck' everytime i catch a glimpse of you?

There's only so much of patience that a person has and mine is running on reserves.

I want to spend my own money, live in my own home, take my own sweet time to be with the person that i love, work when i want to, smile when i really mean it and just.. .. be happy. I don't want to listen to what you want me to do - I want you to listen what I want to do. I want to be left alone to live my own life.

I want to LIVE MY LIFE.