I opened my drawer expecting to see another load of junk that needs to be cleared out - but instead, I found a stack of photo albums, the yellow ones which you get free from Kodak when you process films at the photo shops. And as I flipped the first one off the stack open, a sudden .. .. happiness engulfed me, as if I had found something that I had lost a very, very long time ago. Turning each leaf of the aged album, brought back memories... memories of some which I do not want to remember... and... the old memories a decade ago.. started to fill in the empty spaces of my mind. So much for the few seconds of joy.. ... ..
I remember trying to pick a few nice family photos from this very pile of albums to take along before I left to further my studies in Brisbane, Australia. That was just 3 years ago. I had forgotten all about them - there were sitting in the chest of drawers which is just next to my bed. ... ... Hehe. that shows how much unexplored junk there is in my room.
.. ... I remember it was so.. .. difficult to choose a complete family photo of my parents, my brother and me during my last minute packing for Brisbane - and I just picked the one with the four of us in it which was dated Christmas 1998. And again, I am facing the same problem. William's mother had wanted to know a little about my family.. and she had hinted that a nice family photo would be interesting for a little show and tell session tomorrow when I meet her for lunch. Although there were so many of these 4R sized albums, I had a a ssslligghttt problem - I have not been living with a complete family for the past 7 years and photos were not really our family's concern during those times when we were 'together'.
It was like... wave after wave of disappointment as I searched for the perfect photo... but all that I had were.. .. single portraits, partial family gatherings, my dogs, my birthday cake, my graduation ceremony, my prefect installation ceremony, my college mates, my university mates, my mum's cafe, some.. . animals... from the singapore zoo, i think , .. ... ... .. but not a single photo of all my family members - smiling together.
I know you might think that .. ahh.. it's just a small matter. But somehow, I do want to think along the same lines too, that not having a family portrait is a matter that can easily be brushed aside - but.. .. having 'part' of a family is never a small matter, especially if it's the 'broken' part. Seeing part of a family in a photo is just fine, but having it in reality... .. the wound still bleeds.
.. .. I don't know what made me write this particular posting, but it's just something.. that I want to share. My pain, my tears, my hurt... .. it's all in the past and I am not sad or disturbed about it all. And I would like to think of it as a blessing in disguise, when my mother left my father on Valentine's Day, 1999 - their 19th wedding anniversary - oh the irony of it all. If that day had not happen, we would have not salvaged the last bits of happiness that was left behind from that nightmare and still thrive till today. That day made me who I am today, and I am proud that I survived all of that, along with my mother and Shaun.
... .. But the most important lesson that I have learnt is that, never take love for granted, and that I would never, ever, want to go through all that hurt again. I'm pretty sure that the second time around would kill off the remaining trust in life that I have. .. ...
I quote from an 'ex'-best friend's blog on her current views on love after her only love of 4 years had decided to move on without her.
"I dont need love. .anymore.. .. I died. .. the day he sent... that email.. .. .. I've changed.. . ..I dont want. .to have. .anything. .to do ..with .. Love. .. ..anymore.. .. "
Yes. Love does funny things to one. Can even kill you from the inside out. Well, I'm trying to make her see the light of the entire situation though - i know how it feels... in a different sorta way. I fought out of the dark alone, though. And from then, I became stronger, more independant, more alert, .. .. and I took less things in life for granted.
I have listened to a lot of friend's complaints, saying that their father/mother did not attend their graduations, their birthdays... and I could relate to them - but in my case, my mother was always there for me, may it be my graduation, my birthday, my piano recitals, my.. .. everything... She was always there to smile and cheer for me - and I love her ever so dearly for it.
But when they started complaining that family dinners and family trips were a waste of time.. ... ... I would lash out in defence. Even more so when I hear about partners cheating on each other or failed marriages because of a new found mistress.. .. I just.. feel that.. sudden hate towards the third party involved. It's like.. nearly a second nature. I can't help myself when I would unconciously drift my gaze to a family having dinner, laughing and eating like it were the only place on earth that they wanted to be... and I would.. .. smile to myself... - they have it all, and I'm happy for them... that their children would not have to be traumatised by the mistakes that adults make. On the other hand, I had it all, and I do look forward to my picture perfect family.. so that we can have it all again.
So, to all of you out there... .. Smile for family photos. You definately wouldn't want a picture of you looking like an idiot, would you???
.. .... .. Ah well, aunty would just have to be contented with the last family photo that I had in 1998. Hmm... she can look forward to the 'next' family photo, i think. *winks*
I remember trying to pick a few nice family photos from this very pile of albums to take along before I left to further my studies in Brisbane, Australia. That was just 3 years ago. I had forgotten all about them - there were sitting in the chest of drawers which is just next to my bed. ... ... Hehe. that shows how much unexplored junk there is in my room.
.. ... I remember it was so.. .. difficult to choose a complete family photo of my parents, my brother and me during my last minute packing for Brisbane - and I just picked the one with the four of us in it which was dated Christmas 1998. And again, I am facing the same problem. William's mother had wanted to know a little about my family.. and she had hinted that a nice family photo would be interesting for a little show and tell session tomorrow when I meet her for lunch. Although there were so many of these 4R sized albums, I had a a ssslligghttt problem - I have not been living with a complete family for the past 7 years and photos were not really our family's concern during those times when we were 'together'.
It was like... wave after wave of disappointment as I searched for the perfect photo... but all that I had were.. .. single portraits, partial family gatherings, my dogs, my birthday cake, my graduation ceremony, my prefect installation ceremony, my college mates, my university mates, my mum's cafe, some.. . animals... from the singapore zoo, i think , .. ... ... .. but not a single photo of all my family members - smiling together.
I know you might think that .. ahh.. it's just a small matter. But somehow, I do want to think along the same lines too, that not having a family portrait is a matter that can easily be brushed aside - but.. .. having 'part' of a family is never a small matter, especially if it's the 'broken' part. Seeing part of a family in a photo is just fine, but having it in reality... .. the wound still bleeds.
.. .. I don't know what made me write this particular posting, but it's just something.. that I want to share. My pain, my tears, my hurt... .. it's all in the past and I am not sad or disturbed about it all. And I would like to think of it as a blessing in disguise, when my mother left my father on Valentine's Day, 1999 - their 19th wedding anniversary - oh the irony of it all. If that day had not happen, we would have not salvaged the last bits of happiness that was left behind from that nightmare and still thrive till today. That day made me who I am today, and I am proud that I survived all of that, along with my mother and Shaun.
... .. But the most important lesson that I have learnt is that, never take love for granted, and that I would never, ever, want to go through all that hurt again. I'm pretty sure that the second time around would kill off the remaining trust in life that I have. .. ...
I quote from an 'ex'-best friend's blog on her current views on love after her only love of 4 years had decided to move on without her.
"I dont need love. .anymore.. .. I died. .. the day he sent... that email.. .. .. I've changed.. . ..I dont want. .to have. .anything. .to do ..with .. Love. .. ..anymore.. .. "
Yes. Love does funny things to one. Can even kill you from the inside out. Well, I'm trying to make her see the light of the entire situation though - i know how it feels... in a different sorta way. I fought out of the dark alone, though. And from then, I became stronger, more independant, more alert, .. .. and I took less things in life for granted.
I have listened to a lot of friend's complaints, saying that their father/mother did not attend their graduations, their birthdays... and I could relate to them - but in my case, my mother was always there for me, may it be my graduation, my birthday, my piano recitals, my.. .. everything... She was always there to smile and cheer for me - and I love her ever so dearly for it.
But when they started complaining that family dinners and family trips were a waste of time.. ... ... I would lash out in defence. Even more so when I hear about partners cheating on each other or failed marriages because of a new found mistress.. .. I just.. feel that.. sudden hate towards the third party involved. It's like.. nearly a second nature. I can't help myself when I would unconciously drift my gaze to a family having dinner, laughing and eating like it were the only place on earth that they wanted to be... and I would.. .. smile to myself... - they have it all, and I'm happy for them... that their children would not have to be traumatised by the mistakes that adults make. On the other hand, I had it all, and I do look forward to my picture perfect family.. so that we can have it all again.
So, to all of you out there... .. Smile for family photos. You definately wouldn't want a picture of you looking like an idiot, would you???
.. .... .. Ah well, aunty would just have to be contented with the last family photo that I had in 1998. Hmm... she can look forward to the 'next' family photo, i think. *winks*
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