7:15am, the choir were already singing their last hymn. As I stood there, overlooking the field where many.. many Sunrise Services had been held - in the vicinity of the old Wesley Methodist Church in the heart of Kuala Lumpur - I felt, rather than saw the first few virgin rays of the early sun. Strands of golden threads weaved their way through the leaves and branches of the old Golden Showers tree (i don't really know the name of this species of tree - it has flowers that are bright yellow, and they would tumble down in showers when it's time to shed.. and I would picture myself under that waterfall of gold - mummy loves this kind of tree, and I promised her to get her the same tree in her very own garden that would come with her very own house) that I was standing under - to trace their warm tendrils on my cold cheek .
Tell me... ... .how much...
I closed my eyes, and bowed my head in a silent prayer to the One whom I felt had His hand linked with mine throughout entire journey of my life. I told Him that I had found my one true love - William, and I told him that he was far, far away in Australia persuing his degree, I told Him about my new focus in life - to lead a career of a Brand Manager, I told Him about my decision to leave my current job to pursue an entirely new venture in Singapore, I told Him about mummy wanting her divorce and I told Him that i was contented with what I had now.
Abundance.. ... .. and
I thanked Him for teaching me the meaning of true love and adoration by bringing me and William together. I thanked Him for letting us learn about each other and making our first experience being in love such a wonderful fairytale come true - even though we were miles apart. I thanked Him for all the great souls who were my closest friends and family, for their evergreen love, their laughter, their unconditional friendship, for their tears, for their ears, hearts and hugs. I thanked Him for letting me enjoy the simple joys of life, for coloured butterflies, for spring scented morning dew, for the gift of touch to feel my hand in his, for life itself. I thanked Him for giving me the strength to bear burdens that another 22 year old would have never could. I thanked Him for letting me be here.
Hope.. .. .. that you'd want from...
The harmony of the choir softened.... as I prayed for undying love, less worries, more sincere smiles, additional passionberry kisses, more servings of patience, less materialism, more beauty and more sweet memories for everyone and anyone. I prayed that my mummy would not lose anymore sleep over our clouded past - and that soon her worries would come to pass. I prayed that Sharmila, Jessica and Chui Ling (my cousin in Holland now) would pass their exams, and be what they had wanted to be for so long - to be free and happy. I prayed for my daddy's happiness. I prayed for Shaun's future and may it be as fruitful as mine. I prayed for the safety of my love and that he would lead a life that would be perfect in every way possible.
The Lessons.. ...
I begged for forgiveness from Him, for not being able to truly feel and understand the hurt and pain that mummy has gone through with her marriage of 24 years - I really am trying to make her look into the future, and not dwell on the past. I told Him I was sorry for not being able to be there for anyone who had needed me most for comfort - I myself had needed someone for comfort. I am sorry for sometimes demanding a little too much from the people around me, and making them dissappointed with themselves for not being up to my standards. I am sorry I might be insensitive to the negatives of life - and not being able to relate to one's pain, because I never find it useful to feel pain and regret and sorrow, because He had given us this one life, only one, to enjoy to the fullest, and that is what I intend to do. Live life like you have never lived before.
A light breeze had carried the scent of fresh flowers.. lifting my newly trimmed fringe.. ... ..
That had shaped.... you?
... ... Sighing deeply, I glanced at my mummy to my right, and blinked back tears - the woman that I want to grow up to become, so weak, so tired... .. in her golden years of life.... . If only she knew how much I had cried for her when she was in pain, jolted from the agony of going through years and years of being so unloved by my daddy, rocking myself to sleep, trying to comfort myself that she would be all right, during those rough years waay back ago. If only she knew that behind my stern and harsh words of sarcasm towards her expressions of still alighted love for my daddy and hopes of getting back the family, were just thick protective walls to hide my true hurt, my true self, my true wishes.. for the perfect family.. deep inside the scarred me.
Mummy. I just want you to know that, I am strong today, because a long time ago, I became your strength as you became weak - I became our strength. And that strength has helped us - me, you and Shaun - so much, and through the years, we managed, you managed to gain your strength and confidence to fight it till the end and I will not allow it to waiver. I shall continue to be your strength even though you want to give up. I shall not admit defeat, my dearest mummy. For we have battled in the worst wars, and this is just another skirmish. I will not cry in front of you because I am your only source of courage and perseverence.
Mummy. I admire the way you love. And I would want to love the way you are loving us, and my father who had took you for granted - your unconditional love, even up to now I sometimes even wonder why you bothered. I would never want to lead the period of pain and suffering that you had - but i had learn from our mistake, Mummy. And I will never want it to be repeated again because, I would definately crumble, and ended my life, unlike you - you went on. And on.
My Easter, is not only a renewal of faith, and life for the One that risen again - but it's a renewal of my faith, for my family - for my Mother and that her sufferings will not be in vain.
.. . The crowd dispersed... . just like how my prayers were.. into the wind.. evaporating like the morning mist...
But Lord, I felt rejuvenated.
Amen.
Tell me... ... .how much...
I closed my eyes, and bowed my head in a silent prayer to the One whom I felt had His hand linked with mine throughout entire journey of my life. I told Him that I had found my one true love - William, and I told him that he was far, far away in Australia persuing his degree, I told Him about my new focus in life - to lead a career of a Brand Manager, I told Him about my decision to leave my current job to pursue an entirely new venture in Singapore, I told Him about mummy wanting her divorce and I told Him that i was contented with what I had now.
Abundance.. ... .. and
I thanked Him for teaching me the meaning of true love and adoration by bringing me and William together. I thanked Him for letting us learn about each other and making our first experience being in love such a wonderful fairytale come true - even though we were miles apart. I thanked Him for all the great souls who were my closest friends and family, for their evergreen love, their laughter, their unconditional friendship, for their tears, for their ears, hearts and hugs. I thanked Him for letting me enjoy the simple joys of life, for coloured butterflies, for spring scented morning dew, for the gift of touch to feel my hand in his, for life itself. I thanked Him for giving me the strength to bear burdens that another 22 year old would have never could. I thanked Him for letting me be here.
Hope.. .. .. that you'd want from...
The harmony of the choir softened.... as I prayed for undying love, less worries, more sincere smiles, additional passionberry kisses, more servings of patience, less materialism, more beauty and more sweet memories for everyone and anyone. I prayed that my mummy would not lose anymore sleep over our clouded past - and that soon her worries would come to pass. I prayed that Sharmila, Jessica and Chui Ling (my cousin in Holland now) would pass their exams, and be what they had wanted to be for so long - to be free and happy. I prayed for my daddy's happiness. I prayed for Shaun's future and may it be as fruitful as mine. I prayed for the safety of my love and that he would lead a life that would be perfect in every way possible.
The Lessons.. ...
I begged for forgiveness from Him, for not being able to truly feel and understand the hurt and pain that mummy has gone through with her marriage of 24 years - I really am trying to make her look into the future, and not dwell on the past. I told Him I was sorry for not being able to be there for anyone who had needed me most for comfort - I myself had needed someone for comfort. I am sorry for sometimes demanding a little too much from the people around me, and making them dissappointed with themselves for not being up to my standards. I am sorry I might be insensitive to the negatives of life - and not being able to relate to one's pain, because I never find it useful to feel pain and regret and sorrow, because He had given us this one life, only one, to enjoy to the fullest, and that is what I intend to do. Live life like you have never lived before.
A light breeze had carried the scent of fresh flowers.. lifting my newly trimmed fringe.. ... ..
That had shaped.... you?
... ... Sighing deeply, I glanced at my mummy to my right, and blinked back tears - the woman that I want to grow up to become, so weak, so tired... .. in her golden years of life.... . If only she knew how much I had cried for her when she was in pain, jolted from the agony of going through years and years of being so unloved by my daddy, rocking myself to sleep, trying to comfort myself that she would be all right, during those rough years waay back ago. If only she knew that behind my stern and harsh words of sarcasm towards her expressions of still alighted love for my daddy and hopes of getting back the family, were just thick protective walls to hide my true hurt, my true self, my true wishes.. for the perfect family.. deep inside the scarred me.
Mummy. I just want you to know that, I am strong today, because a long time ago, I became your strength as you became weak - I became our strength. And that strength has helped us - me, you and Shaun - so much, and through the years, we managed, you managed to gain your strength and confidence to fight it till the end and I will not allow it to waiver. I shall continue to be your strength even though you want to give up. I shall not admit defeat, my dearest mummy. For we have battled in the worst wars, and this is just another skirmish. I will not cry in front of you because I am your only source of courage and perseverence.
Mummy. I admire the way you love. And I would want to love the way you are loving us, and my father who had took you for granted - your unconditional love, even up to now I sometimes even wonder why you bothered. I would never want to lead the period of pain and suffering that you had - but i had learn from our mistake, Mummy. And I will never want it to be repeated again because, I would definately crumble, and ended my life, unlike you - you went on. And on.
My Easter, is not only a renewal of faith, and life for the One that risen again - but it's a renewal of my faith, for my family - for my Mother and that her sufferings will not be in vain.
.. . The crowd dispersed... . just like how my prayers were.. into the wind.. evaporating like the morning mist...
But Lord, I felt rejuvenated.
Amen.
*my mentor, my Mother*
~an original p@ssion-@rt
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