h.e.@.v.y he@rt

Waking up to the crows of the bloody chickens from the back of my house.. dodging my furry dogs which forever seem to circle my ankles as i step down from the stairs, looking for the blasted house keys which position has always eluded my morning bleariness - all seems to be mechanical nowadays.. It has been like that since I had started working 2 years ago.

My mornings in the scheduled jam were always my brief escape from the sanities of life... - while stuck in 'a sanity' or KL.. how ironic. Listening to the silly 'Good Morning Dr Know-It-All' (yarrrr.. my boss seems to like them) antiqs of the Hitz.Fm morning crews.. hillarious buggers. But they do sometimes put a smile on my face with that ridiculous series of 'Chee.S.I'.. 'Chee sin!... Chee sin!!' thingy-ma-jigs. (pun intended)

And this morning, as i sat down at my regular spot... which has always been under an umbrella.. but i have yet to enjoy the shade which should have been provided by the said umbrella from the glaring sun rays - i was thinking of the ruts of life.. and also the love of my life.

I have come to the conclusion that i sometimes put too much effort into my work.. my passions and sometimes forget to see the little requirements of life for myself. I am always thinking of the well being of others and putting myself last. But i do admit i am sometimes self centered in terms of knowledge. i can say that i am somehow charitable to most. But am i?

I take most work under my care as I somehow or rather want it to be perfect. And also to ease the burden of tidying up someone's messy or slip shod kinda work. But so far in this company, every one's been extremely good at what they do and I am very happy that most of the graphic work is in the good hands of the Garang Eve and the rest of the team of interns. I think a few of them would be at the roadshows today - it is going to be a quiet day today. It really perks me up and I do steal an occasional smile as I hear their laughter and silly ham sap jokes at times. With the occasional involvement of the older generation (namely : Ribena cum Orange Juice guy and IT guy)

But I do have my late nights at the clubs.. with the usual drinks and off hand flirts.. - although the latter is getting rather scarce now as i do feel guilty towards my darling loverboy - but yeah. hanging out with the gals is definately giving me a .. .. sorta balance in life. With the occasional yam cha's with some of my other guy friends ie. Nicky. It was just two days ago when i sorta like poured reality into his newly found excitement in his so-called 'increase and bonus of 24K' - he wasn't going to stay in the department long enough to earn that bonus of 24k - nyehehehehe - so evil of me. Poor boy.. i hope he does not lose any sleep over my 'discovery of his employer's trick to keep him in the company'.

Well, that seems to be a lot to handle, eh? including all the time with parents (which seems to be a little scarce too) and all the other itty-bitty stuff like my usual routine of reading my favourite books at Dome Subang Parade. Well, that has sorta vanished over the past weeks.. I don't even have time to sit down nicely and have a proper chat with my love.

And that's where William comes in. It's been a really amazing journey of discovery for me as our relationship blossomed over the months. The new feelings, the longings over extened periods.. the 'missing-him-syndrome' and the mushy mushy chatters of sweet nothings over the phone.. And.. .. wonders of all wonders... it has been 4 months plus long relationship and yet my life adjusted to fit our little adventure in romance.

Or has it? I spend less time with him on the internet.. less waking hours with him.. more hours sleeping and dreaming of . .. him and nothing else because i'm just so exhausted with my day at work, more random outbursts at him, more hours of feeling guilty that i had not responded to his smses, more minutes of worrying about whether he's alright or not.. whether he has eaten our how did his meetings go.. more seconds of feeling so so bad and so angry at myself for letting my stress and anger upset him.. ..

more moments where I just want to ... curl up and hide - holding the bear that he had given me for Valentines and just.. .. disappear into this .. .. Nirvana where no worries and sadness brings any meaning, more moments where I have to hold back my tears because of trying too hard , getting too tired.. or just.. .. wanting to be a child again in this warzone of reality. - and other moments where I just let go and cry.. not because of sadness... but just to let of of the penned up emotions, I guess... for i know it's not grieve that i cry for.. it's my limited capabilities that i cry for.

I want to have more time, more hours in a day, more energy to do the extra luxuries in life - like taking photos of the setting sun or just letting my toes skim the surface of the sea as i sit perched on a rock.. watching the dolphins and maybe the occasional hunky surfer or merman pass me by.. (*winks*).. but yeah.. I don't want to live my life so seriously and be more.. laid back.. as I claim that I am. But I just can't help . ... .. being like this..

Ah well.. my fingers are starting to freeze from the air con again.. I guess I should check my emails and read about more work to be done. .......... and alas... .. Ribena guy has plonked himself in the chair in front of me.. and had started snoring.. .. Oh gosh... what a sight for another hectic morning at work... .. Just.. ... .. like a dead fly in your maple syrup covered pancakes with ice cream and chocolate syrup and peanut butter and everything yummy - except for that God damned fly..